Broken Engagement Ring Etiquette

Who keeps the ring after a broken engagement?

There are two ways to analyze who gets to keep an engagement ring after an engagement is broken. The first involves engagement ring etiquette. The second involves state law.

1) Engagement Ring Etiquette

Conventional engagement ring etiquette dictates that ultimate possession of the engagement ring should be determined based on which party terminated the engagement. In general terms, the person who cancels the wedding should give up ownership of the ring. If a bride-to-be breaks the engagement, she should return the ring to her finacee. If a groom-to-be calls off the engagement, he should allow his fiancee to retain the ring.

Standard engagement ring etiquette is based on the traditional marriage model where a man proposes to a woman and the woman's family pays for the wedding. The model breaks down in a modern world where the couple can be gay or lesbian and payment of wedding costs are determined by each couples' situation.

The old-fashioned perspective on etiquette surrounding the engagement ring also fails if the relationship deteriorates quickly. Given the standard rule, each side may resort to a game of chicken with worse and worse behavior in an attempt to get the other party to end the engagement. Under these circumstances it can be difficult to decide who called off the engagement and who should have the right to keep the engagement ring.

However, the convention rule is the best one to use in most circumstances. The most common route to a cancelled engagement is a mutual decision to "postpone" the wedding. In this instance, the bride and groom should mutually determine the best outcome for the engagement ring based on their own situation.

2) Engagement Ring Law

When simple engagement ring etiquette fails, men may have to resort to the court system to get the engagement ring back. The law surrounding the possession of an engagement ring is a confusing mix of varying laws and precedent. In the United States, individual state law determines possession of the engagement ring. While there were historically 50 different outcomes for an engagement ring depending on jurisdiction, most states have moved to a "no-fault" engagement process with a "modified-fault" engagement and "strict-fault" engagement still used in some cases.

A no-fault engagement is straightforward with regard to the engagement ring. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the broken engagement, calling off the wedding results in the engagement ring being returned to the presenter in all cases relying on a no-fault engagement policy. In particularly regretful instances, this can be an unfair treatment. No-fault engagement and the return of an engagement ring seem unfair in cases of a previously-virginal fiancee giving in to sexual advances based on false promises or an unaware fiancee discovering significant lies about a partner subsequent to an engagement. However, no-fault engagement is the primary means by which courts in most U.S. states render decisions.

Less commonly used today, but more common in previous times, is a strict-fault engagement policy. A strict-fault engagement policy states that a fiancee is entitled to a return of the ring unless he unjustifiably breaks off an engagement. He is entitled to return of the engagement ring if he justifiably cancels the wedding. Only in the instance where he unjustifiably calls off an engagement--with the opinion of the court determining "unjustifiably"--will the bride-to-be receive possession of the ring. Strict-fault engagement rules have fallen out of favor as the uncertainty surrounding the definition of a justified wedding cancellation has given way to the cleaner decisions provided by no-fault treatment.

The third method of determining who keeps the engagement ring is a modified-fault policy. Under this analysis, the presenter of the ring is entitled to return of the ring unless he calls off the engagement. No analysis of justification or circumstance is used in the modified-fault situation. The only determining factor is whether the presenter of the ring calls off the engagement. Just as in no-fault or strict-fault situations, modified-fault treatment may seem unfair under specific circumstances. A fiancee who abuses or cheats on his bride is still entitled to return of the ring so long as he is not the person who ultimately calls off the engagement.